There is no shame in finding someone else to be attractive, or good company. Even if they don't like you, there is still no shame. If you happen to be fond of someone, and they're not fond of you, it's OK...You don't have to wait and see if they'll love you back. You can announce it...Joy in life comes from expressing ourselves, in taking risks and jumping in. Everyone is not going to like you. But you can like who you like.- Andrew Matthews.

Emo

The one reason I was hesitant about becoming a blogger: I wanted to avoid becoming one of those emo complaining teenage chicks like the ones in this hilarious video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HN1ru6_u8lY

But, in light of my current situation I am going to allow myself this one emo post. Wait a sec...have all of my entries been slightly emo? Shoot...
Well I'm not going to get into details but yesterday was a bad day for me. It involved rejection, stepping in a puddle, getting rained on on my way home from class, in that class I was partnered with the most obnoxious student in the class to spend an hour with walking around campus. He is a 55 year old man who wears a very loud leather jacket. I became homeless (sort of), and I did not sleep until 5 am, because I was doing laundry and homework.
On the bright side, because yesterday was so awful, today seemed super excellent! Maybe because it was 60 degrees and sunny all day long. I went on a bike ride and instantly felt better.
It's odd how much better you feel when you spend time outside in the sun. It's also odd how much better you feel when you talk about what's making you upset. I've been keeping a journal on my computer, and it's amazing how much better I feel after I just write out everything in my head. It's like I'm literally letting everything out and keeping it out. Except for some things, which is why I hypnotize myself to sleep.
There is a full moon tonight and let me just say, right now I am looking at lake michigan from the 20th floor and I can see the reflection of the full moon on it and since I've been giving the Sun so much credit, I'd like to give some props to the Moon as well, because it looks very beautiful.
I'm going home on Friday. I can't wait

Thursday

So, last week I noticed that I had grown a gap in between my two front teeth. At first I was super pissed because I was not trying to go back to my old teeth, pre-braces. But now it has miraculously disappeared, and I have found myself equally as pissed as I was when I first discovered it. I'm starting to think that I have a problem with change. Why can't things just stay the same once we've become content with the situation?
Take my life for instance. Towards the end of last semester I was feeling very good about things. I was liking school, making friends, getting good grades, and falling asleep naturally.

(Interesting fact: the song "Change is Hard" by She & Him just came up on shuffle. Not only is this relevant to my current rant but I was planning on complaining about the mass amounts of people telling me that I look like Zooey Deschanel, who is the "She" of She & Him, but since coming upon this strange coincidence, I'm beginning to think that maybe we actually are very similar and I should learn to accept it)

Since returning to Milwaukee, everything has gone wrong. Just kidding. But things changed, as they always do, and I am still trying to adjust to the new semester and everything that has come along with it. Or should I say, everything that hasn't come along with it -- no roommate, no Sylvia, no sleep (unless hypnotized), I also had no friends on the list but that would be a lie, because I do have a few friends here. I just forgot for a second because I have spent the entire day (since getting back from class) in my room alone finishing my scarf, drawing a little bit, and reading a book for class. It's nice to spend time with myself, and I'm glad that I'm someone who can admit that, because I know a lot of people who seem to feel the need to constantly be surrounded by others. I can understand that. Sometimes when I'm alone, especially here at school, I stop and think about how at that particular moment in time, there is a large possibility that no one is thinking about me. And I don't mean this in a "woe is me I'm so alone" way, sometimes it's cool to feel completely alone. It's freeing in a way.

Back to School

Well I am back in Milwaukee, and today was the first day of my second semester of college! It went well, besides when I tripped during a silent moment in class, while walking IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. It was slightly mortifying, but it got me thinking about which is worse, embarrassing yourself in front of people you know, or in front of people you don't know. I think it depends on the type and and level of embarrassment, and after much thought I still haven't come to a conclusion.
So here I am in my lopsided dorm room because my ex-roommate made a rash decision to move the hell out of here over break. I love having my own room so much that I don't want to even talk about it because I know that once I do, Sally Jo will come knocking on my door with her Jonas Brothers posters and I just don't think I can handle that yet.
Yesterday was sort of a rough day for me. I didn't know how hard it was going to be without Sylvia here, but after experiencing 5 hours without her in the dorms, I realized that I truly don't have very many friends here. Acquaintances are in abundance, but if I had to count, I'd say that I have 4 friends, none of them are female, and one of them is actually 2 different people, who are half friend, half acquaintance, so I rounded up. I wish it didn't matter that they are all boys but I find myself starting to say something about hair, fashion, the hot guy in my class...that sort of thing and well, needless to say, they are less than interested.
A sinking feeling began to grow throughout the day, and after I declined a game of Settlers (this has never happened by the way) to retreat to my room alone, I suffered a slight panic attack. It was cured in no time by hot cheetos and chocolate milk, and once I settled down I decided to take a shower and do some self-hypnosis in hopes of falling asleep.
Today has been much better. Although I am currently sitting alone in my very dark, half vacant dorm room (the electricity in the dorms is flickering causing a seizure inducing strobe-light effect), I do not feel the need to stuff my face with food, or cry while listening to Shakira so that my suitemates can't hear me. Maybe it's because I reached a bit of an epiphany today while thinking about my life (meaning: while I was awake). Although much of my stress has been caused by my lack of companionship, like most people my age a large part is due to fact that I have absolutely no idea what I want to do after college. Or during college...or if I should even be going to college right now.
((I've just been told that they are cutting the power in the entire tower for an hour or more to fix the electricity issue. I swear I'm psycic because yesterday while cleaning my room I found a flashlight and considered tossing it but had a feeling it might be useful in the near future))
But back to my life. I think I may have figured it out. Sort of. Maybe... Well last semester I took a Linguistics class and really loved it. I got an A, and I'm pretty sure I've never gotten an A before, besides in art classes (not even gym). (I've gotten plenty of A-'s). I did some research today, and have decided that as of right now, my new passion is to become a linguistics major. Well, ok, I haven't thought about it enough to make a decision, but I think having a linguistics major with a spanish minor would be great.
I hate having to put a negative spin on such a positive realization, but this has not solved all of my issues, and has created more of it's own. Here they are:
1.where will I live next year?
2.will I for sure continue at UWM or should I try to apply to the U or somewhere else?
3.why didn't I take my f'ing generals this year?
4.I will need to take the spanish placement test
5.am I 100% positive this is what I want?
Luckily, I have more than enough time alone to think this through.

Tuesday, January 20th - Barack Obama becomes President

I took this photo a few months ago when Obama made his acceptance speech as the Presidential Democratic Nominee.

That's all I will say about the election, because at the moment I am all inagurationed-out. Perhaps I will return to the subject on a later date.

Okay I just lied - I have a couple things to say about it. Today all of the Minneapolis Public schools played the inauguration ceremony live, and so I went to my Mom's 7th grade math class to watch it. Most of the kids didn't seem to care too much about it (in 7th grade I don't think I even knew who the president was...I was preoccupied with making myself look as unattractive as possible, which is what I have gathered from old photographs because I have successfully erased those awful awkward years from my memory). But there were a few students who knew the importance of today, and watched attentively as Aretha Franklin sang "Our Country Tis Of Thee", and as Barack Obama delivered his speech in front of millions of people in Washington DC.

Despite having taken a government class my senior year of high school, I must admit that I don't know much about politics. But I do know a lot about feeling unimportant, unmotivated, and insignificant, and although I never intend to run for President (and I'm assuming neither do the 7th graders of Anderson Middle School, possibly because most of them are illegal immigrants and therefor ineligible) I now know that I have no excuses for not living up to my full potential (and upon hearing so many of my past teachers give me that speech, you know, the "You have so much potential...you just don't apply yourself" one, I am starting to believe that I really do have lots of it).

Maybe these kids don't realize it now, but I hope that when they are my age, they will remember this day. I hope that they will grow up with confidence in themselves and that they will apply themselves to their full "potential" to do everything and anything that they want to do. Besides drugs, prostitution...I mean, needless to say that's not what I'm talking about but let's be honest here, it's not an uncommon path, and boy does it just suck you in!

Well that attempt at a profound work of literary art took a turn for the worst...I think I'll just move on.

So today on my way to Midtown, I stopped at starbucks where I am proud to say that they know me by name, which is nice because I have had very little human contact this week (and as we all know, everyone's name is also their favorite word). I wonder if anyone else in the world considers their local starbucks staff to be their sole source of human companionship. I'm kidding...maybe.
But upon entering, I was outraged to see that while I had been away at my first semester of college, they had hired an entirely new staff. I thought about leaving because I was so upset that my "friends" had up and left me without saying goodbye, but I decided to give this new staff a chance. There was one lady infront of me in line chatting up the slightly attractive new barista. (she was wearing shorts by the way, and it was 9 degrees farenheight at the time) He offered her a free cupcake and she declined, claiming that she had just completed her daily workout. (Which some may think explains the shorts, but I still find them ridiculous). This is where the story takes a an upsetting turn -- After shorts lady declined the cupcake, slightly attractive barista scoped out the rest of the line, looked at me and said "I bet you would love a free cupcake". But what I heard was "You are fat, and by the the looks of it would eat any pastry you can get your sausage-like fingers on" And although my response was something along the lines of "Hell yeah I would!!", as I left the store I couldn't help but feel nostalgic for the days when I could go to Starbucks with the expectations of being greeted by name, having the choice to buy a cupcake or perhaps a scone if I so desired, and to leave without being verbally abused by some fancy pants barista who thinks he's all that.

I have spent all 6 weeks of my Winter Break with a constant worry about my future lingering in the back of my mind. Maybe "worry" isn't the right word...fear? uneasiness..is that a word?
But I've recently came to the conclusion that no matter how much I stress about what I'm doing with my life, where will I be in 5 years...that the fact is just that: 5 years from now, I will be somewhere, doing something. Maybe I'll be happy, maybe not, but regardless of what I decide now, I will still exist, and is that not the "point" of life?